A CONVERSATION
We say we want honest conversations, but how often are we actually willing to listen? A conversation about ego, disagreement, empathy and the uncomfortable possibility that we might not always be right.
Do We Want to Be Understood, or Do We Just Want to Be Right?
An uncomfortable conversation about opinions, listening, ego and the strange business of being human.
PERSON A: Do you think people actually want to be understood?
PERSON B: Of course they do.
PERSON A: I don’t think so.
PERSON B: That’s a very confident way to start a conversation about understanding.
PERSON A: See? That’s exactly what I mean. People don’t even let you finish before they’re preparing their defence.
PERSON B: Maybe because you’re already accusing everybody.
PERSON A: I’m not accusing everybody. I’m observing.
PERSON B: Everybody says that when they’re about to accuse everybody.
PERSON A: Fine. Let me ask you something. When was the last time you changed your mind about something because somebody explained their perspective?
PERSON B: I don’t know. Recently, probably.
PERSON A: Probably?
PERSON B: Do you want a date and timestamp?
PERSON A: No. I want to know whether you actually listened or just waited for them to stop talking.
PERSON B: Those are two different things.
PERSON A: Exactly. And I think we confuse them all the time.
PERSON B: So what? We’re supposed to agree with everyone now?
PERSON A: No. We’re supposed to understand what somebody is saying before deciding we disagree.
PERSON B: That’s fair.
PERSON A: Thank you.
PERSON B: Don’t celebrate. I’m still thinking.
PERSON A: You know what’s interesting? People say they want honest conversations, but the moment honesty makes them uncomfortable, suddenly you’re disrespectful.
PERSON B: There’s a difference between being honest and being unnecessarily cruel.
PERSON A: Absolutely. But there’s also a difference between being offended and being wronged.
PERSON B: Explain that.
PERSON A: Someone can say something you don’t like without necessarily doing something to you. Sometimes your discomfort is worth examining before you turn it into an accusation.
PERSON B: And sometimes people use that argument to dismiss genuinely hurtful things.
PERSON A: Exactly. Which is why we need to listen instead of immediately deciding who’s the villain.
PERSON B: So we’re back to listening.
PERSON A: We’re always back to listening.
PERSON B: I think the internet has made this worse.
PERSON A: The internet has made everything worse, apparently.
PERSON B: Don’t start.
PERSON A: I’m serious. Everybody has a platform now. Everybody has a microphone. Everybody has a thread explaining why they’re right.
PERSON B: And everybody has an audience ready to agree with them.
PERSON A: That’s the problem. Sometimes we’re not even looking for the truth. We’re looking for people who already think like us.
PERSON B: An echo chamber.
PERSON A: Exactly. We call it research because we found three people on TikTok who agree with us.
PERSON B: That’s not research.
PERSON A: Tell that to the group chat.
PERSON B: The group chat is not a court of law.
PERSON A: It certainly behaves like one.
PERSON B: But I do think there’s something else. People are tired. Sometimes they don’t have the energy to explain themselves over and over again.
PERSON A: That’s true.
PERSON B: Especially when they feel like they’ve already explained something a hundred times and nobody is listening.
PERSON A: I think there’s a difference between refusing to explain yourself to someone committed to misunderstanding you and refusing to examine your own behaviour.
PERSON B: That’s a difficult distinction.
PERSON A: Most important distinctions are.
PERSON B: Do you think you listen well?
PERSON A: I would like to say yes.
PERSON B: That’s not what I asked.
PERSON A: I know.
PERSON B: So?
PERSON A: Sometimes I listen to understand. Sometimes I listen because I want to find the flaw in what you’re saying.
PERSON B: There we go.
PERSON A: Don’t look so pleased.
PERSON B: I’m enjoying your character development.
PERSON A: Shut up.
PERSON B: But that’s honest.
PERSON A: And maybe that’s the point. We all want people to give us room to be complicated, but how often do we give that same room to other people?
PERSON B: Not enough.
PERSON A: We want context for our mistakes, but explanations for everybody else’s.
PERSON B: We want people to know our intentions, but judge them by their actions.
PERSON A: We want patience when we’re struggling, but sometimes have very little for people who struggle differently.
PERSON B: So what are we supposed to do? Just keep giving everybody the benefit of the doubt?
PERSON A: No. Having empathy doesn’t mean abandoning discernment. You can understand somebody and still disagree with them. You can recognise their circumstances without excusing their behaviour.
PERSON B: And you can walk away from a conversation without declaring yourself the winner.
PERSON A: Now you’re getting it.
PERSON B: I was getting it before. You just weren’t listening.
PERSON A: There you go again.
PERSON B: I’m joking!
PERSON A: Are you?
PERSON B: See? This is why nobody wants to talk to you.
PERSON A: And yet here you are.
PERSON B: Unfortunately.
PERSON A: One last question.
PERSON B: Oh, God.
PERSON A: If somebody genuinely changed your mind, would you admit it?
PERSON B: Yes.
PERSON A: Immediately?
PERSON B: Don’t push it.
PERSON A: There it is.
PERSON B: Fine. Maybe I’d need a minute.
PERSON A: Why?
PERSON B: Because sometimes admitting you’re wrong feels like admitting something about yourself.
PERSON A: Like what?
PERSON B: That you didn’t know as much as you thought. That you misunderstood someone. That you were too proud to listen. That the version of yourself you were defending wasn’t entirely right.
PERSON A: That’s probably the most honest thing you’ve said all evening.
PERSON B: Don’t ruin it.
PERSON A: I won’t.
PERSON B: You know, maybe we don’t always want to be understood. Maybe we want to be understood without having to reconsider anything.
PERSON A: Maybe we want the comfort of being heard without the inconvenience of being challenged.
PERSON B: And maybe that’s not a conversation. Maybe that’s just an audience.
PERSON A: Hmm.
PERSON B: What?
PERSON A: Nothing. I’m thinking.
PERSON B: Look at that. Progress.
BEFORE YOU LEAVE
Perhaps the point of a conversation isn’t to leave with the same opinion, or even a better one.
Perhaps it’s to leave having considered something you hadn’t considered before. We spend so much time trying to make ourselves understood that we sometimes forget to understand the person sitting opposite us.
And maybe the most difficult part of listening isn’t hearing something you disagree with. It’s allowing the possibility that you might have something to learn from it. So, tell us: when was the last time someone changed your mind?
